The Dangers of Self Analysis
I identify as asexual.
Sexuality is fluid. It’s a phrase we hear all the time. However, I’ve been the same way in this respect for so long that I just let that phrase go in one ear and out the other. I’ve always developed deeply romantic relationships for others, but the physical side of those relationships was never very important. I never experienced that feeling of being pulled to someone’s body, instead only ever their spirit and mind. There were times in my life where I was certainly more sexual than I have been for the past few years, but I would never have called myself a sexual person.
And I suppose I still wouldn’t.
But, I may be more “grey” than I initially thought.
Because for the first time, I can see myself being intimate with someone I’ve only known for two weeks. For the first time in two years, the concept of making out doesn’t make me was to shout “ewwno, get it away,” and there’s a girl I would actually like to kiss. And that is a serious shake up to the way I have always seen the world. I’ve been alive a solid 22 years, and this is the first time I’ve ever experienced attraction based on physicality rather than romanticism. Does this actually change the fact that, generally speaking, I’m asexual? No. Does it change the fact that there are very few people, and circumstances, in which I would be okay engaging in any sort of intimate behaviour? No, of course not. But that label is clearing too limiting for me at the moment. And a term like “gray asexual” always requires an explanation if I want to use it, even though it’s the most accurate right now. And who knows? Maybe it could change one day too.
So, I think I’m done with self definition.
Sure, for the sake of communicating with others, I would still describe myself as “mostly asexual,” or “not very sexually interested.” I’m not going to expect others to just know what’s happening in my mind without some help. But when you start to identify with a label too strongly, you run the risk of trying to make your behaviour fit the label, rather than the other way around. I’m certainly guilty of this.
I’m thrilled that I’ve delved deeply into my own psyche and figured out my personal relationship with sexuality and asexuality, but I’m looking forward to just existing again, rather than constantly contemplating on that existence.