Dating While Asexual
Daunting. Positively daunting.
As some readers will know, I’m in a relationship that’s basically a marriage minus the paperwork. We’re seven years strong and things are super.
Recently we’ve been discussing the possibility of seeing other people casually. Our priority is being partners. We always want to come home to each other, share our lives and be there for each other. Our family of two cats and one another is the happiest part of my life, and I fully trust it is for him too. But if he ever wants to completely understand his sexuality, he needs to explore with people who he can, well, explore with. And frankly, I’m interested to know more about the hulabuloo of asexual dating, or rather, how it works since I managed to skip that altogether. So now the door is open to both of us. And so, ladies gents and all in between, I created an Okcupid profile.
Right off the bat during profile creation, I noticed there’s no option for ‘asexual’ when listing your orientation. I get it. We’re like 1% of the population, and we’re seldom talked about, so I expected this (but maaaybe you could add it sometime, hmm? HMM?). I opted for Bisexual, since I develop romantic attractions to men and women.
This means I need to list somewhere in my profile that I’m asexual. The question is, where?
I tried putting it right at the beginning, thinking that it seemed right. People should know right away before they decide they like the rest of my profile and are disappointed, right?
No, wrong, it felt very wrong. Being asexual barely defines me, I’m 10 times more interesting than that. Besides, I’m looking for new friends and some causal dating sans sexual encounters. I’m not seeking a permanent partner, so I don’t think it’s even all that important. That information is now at the very end of my profile.
I learned that when you put yourself out there, you’re going to get a lot of people questioning if you really are who you say you are. With in a few hours of creating my profile, I received multiple messages asking me how I could be asexual because x y or z. However, I’m a sucker for educating, and while no one has an obligation to explain themselves, I opted to answer any respectful questions. But the numbers grew tiring, and I eventually added a link to a comic about asexuality to my profile. To my surprise, the questions actually stopped, indicating people are actually reading that thing. Cudos, y’all.
Once my profile was up to snuff and I had answered enough questions to build a decent representation of my personality, I started searching for other asexuals in Toronto. And, well… numbers are bleak. I messaged a couple of people who seemed compatible with me, but much to my dismay, no reply. That’s when I realized it wasn’t going to be as simple as “find asexuals, send message, gain community.” They need to feel just as interested in a friendship with me as I do with them, and just because I’m asexual doesn’t mean they’re going to be interested. I learned this when I received messages from other asexuals but just didn’t feel compelled to reply because there was no feeling of connection. It didn’t help that none who messaged me live in my city, and I’m not particularly interested in online friendships right now.
But then something unexpected happened. Amongst the messages from horny dudes and one very foul mouthed gal, and sappy guys with a pension for cheese, came a couple of messages from people who I really seem to click with, a couple who recognize and understand my asexuality, and want to be my friend. Sure I can’t relate to them in terms of sexuality per say, but I get a fresh start with people who are meeting me as asexual and accept it. I think that may be almost as good.
While this works for me, I understand that for other asexuals seeking primary partners this sounds bleak and unfortunate. I’m not going to lie and say it’s easy, because it’s not. I do have some recommendations though.
- Searching for people who actually use the word “asexual” in their profile will not bring up all, or even most, of the people who aren’t seeking sex. A lot of people don’t identity as asexual perhaps because the definition doesn’t quite suit them or they just haven’t explored that side of themselves yet. Pay close attention to how people answer questions about sex, and whether or not their personality graph indicated they are “more or less” interested in sex. Also try searching terms like “grey-sexual” or “demisexual.” You may not be perfectly compatible, but I couldn’t ask for a better person than my grey partner.
- Be open to an open relationship. Perhaps you meet someone and you get along splendidly, but you can’t fulfill them sexually. Maybe they’d be okay with seeing others for physical fulfillment.
- Even if the end goal is one partner, try seeking many friendships who understand you in the meantime. Being asexual can feel lonely. You’re stuck in a world where you’re the odd one out, all the time. You don’t face the same boundaries that LGBT face, you’re not going to lose a job for being asexual and it’s unlikely that you’re going to be harassed, but finding community can feel impossible. Developing close friendships can help with this, and you never know where one could lead.
- Try visiting AVEN or reddit/r/asexuality for more support. There are many threads regarding dating that you can turn to for advice and/or support.
When I joined Okcupid, my first priority was meeting other asexual people to relate to, my second priority was meeting cool people to hang out with. But my priorities shifted. My silly online dating experiment has become more about making new connections with people who are getting to know me as asexual, instead of me having to explain it or ignore it altogether. I’m meeting someone tomorrow, here’s hoping it’s a promising friendship with someone who gets it.
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Do you want more posts about asexuality? Are you someone who can relate? Do you like to learn about it, or would you prefer I stick to lingerie and games?
Windie
Windie, this is a very interesting read and I really commend you for coming out and talking about this so candidly. You should definitely talk about this on your blog more often!
Hopefully this isn’t a rude question, but does being asexual mean that you only aren’t interested in sex/sexual things, or things like kissing and cuddling too? I’m not asexual, but I’ve majorly lost my sex drive within the last year and it’s a strange thing for me because I’ve always had a high sex drive. While the idea of sex kind of turns me off most the time, I still really love to kiss and be touched by my partner as long as it doesn’t lead to mre. How does it feel for you?
Hey Florence! Totally reasonable question.
You got it right, it means we’re not interested in sex/sexual things. I love to cuddle with my partner while reading or watching a movie/show, I like holding hands, and hugs are the best. Kissing as an expression of intimacy is also nice (I don’t like making out though, some asexuals are okay with/into this though). Some asexuals define themselves as aromantic though on top of being asexual, which means they don’t have interest in being romantically involved with people like this. I’m definitely biromantic, meaning I can develop romantic connections with men and women.
I am a bit touch adverse with people who aren’t my partner, but not to a crazy degree. I’ll hug family members and friends when I see them or say good-bye, but touchy-feely people do get in my bubble 😛 Not sure if this is related to asexuality or just another facet of my personality.
A lot of asexuals are actually okay with sex as a means of pleasing their partner, even if they don’t get the same satisfaction out of it. They just won’t seek it out themselves. Personally I’m not interested in it at all, and have been happier/healthier since I stopped trying to convince myself I could be okay with it 🙂 Hope that answers your question!
Thank you so much for the detailed response :). That’s very informative. “[O]kay with sex as a means of pleasing their partner” is pretty much the story of my low-libido life right now, eek.
Way cool! It’s nice to hear a mostly-positive story about online connecting. I can only speak for myself, but I’d certainly welcome more posts like this! They’re both interesting and valuable.
Glad you enjoyed it! 😀
Hi Windie! I am hugely interested in asexuality as it does baffle me a lot – I’m very sexual and have always thought that everyone is to some point. Do you have any idea where the asexuality stems from? I find this interesting as I see human as a biological creatures with the same basic urges as animals and to me, sexuality and a sex drive belong to that category. I don’t mean to make you feel alienated or anything, I am just curious about how you feel about the origins of asexuality – is it something you are born with and if so, why?
Hey Sophie! To be honest I’ve not a clue. Many asexual people feel they were born that way. When many teenagers start developing sexual urges, they don’t feel them and are, kind of like you, baffled 😛 I mean, regarding biology you could make the same argument about homosexuality (i.e, why would it exist if as a species, our goal is to procreate?) But obviously we know this is flawed because, well, it exists, haha. So in a similar way that idea doesn’t mesh with asexuality. Its origins are a mystery to me and those who study it (though it’s only just being explored, asexuality is only something people have begun to talk about recently). All I know is that I don’t desire sex with anyone, and in the past I have only ever felt okay with it if I developed a very strong emotional connection with someone.
Always remember that there’s an element of randomness when it comes to biology. It’s not too far-fetched that a small percentage of humans will end up different from the norm. It would be rather crazy for a species that procreates sexually to be made of predominately of asexuals… that would just make no sense. But 1% of the population? Sounds like a reasonable anomaly on a biological level. It could also be largely mental, but I figure it doesn’t matter much. I do hope it continues to be studied though, because I love finding answers to questions like this.
Oh! Also, many asexual people do have a libido, so on a biological level a lot of us will feel that “turned on” feeling, but we basically have no targets to express that feeling. Many will just masturbate to “clean out the plumbing” so to speak. It’s like your body is disagreeing with your brain, basically. The thought of having sex with someone to relieve those feelings is wrong, but keeping it personal can be alright for many.
Thank you for your reply Windie! It was very informative and it’s always interesting to discuss a topic someone knows well 🙂
Love the post, it’s amazing. I have a friend who has no interest in sex or relationships, whatever that means to her. But she’s also really attractive and a dancer, so she loves to go out and hit the dance floor. More than once I’ve heard her lack of interest in a relationship be described as “a waste”, as though her value is in finding a partner (and putting out).
I honestly don’t know if that’s a goal for her, I’ve recently been talking with my partner about getting engaged and she keeps talking about helping me organise because she’ll never get married. I don’t think she’s down on this fact, I hope she’s doing what she wants. Having read this I may ask if she has any goals for relationships or connections with people, though if she doesn’t it wouldn’t surprise me, I just don’t want to make assumptions. I love that asexuality is getting heard about more, I hope it becomes an option on dating sites someday!
As someone that id’s as panromantic and gray a, I really appreciate when you write about asexuality and your experiences regarding it. Thanks so much!
Really glad to hear you like it! 🙂
Thanks for posting this… I’m totally terrified to try and date. I’m not even full-blown asexual, but every time I’ve tried to explain to anyone that I’m not into sex, etc… I never hear from them again. It’s been depressing and hard… so, I loved this, and thank you for existing.
I’m so glad you appreciated this 🙂