What “Sexy” Means To Me
Hi Friends.
Friiieeeeeenddsss
Today on the ol’ blog, we’re discussing what sexy, sexiness, or sexuality means to me.
The short answer is not a whole lot.
Now for the long answer!
I’ve written before about how on the spectrum of sexuality, I consider myself quite asexual. If I were to rate myself out of one-hundred, zero being completely asexual and one-hundred being a sexual addiction, I’d probably put myself at about an eight.
I didn’t always consider myself quite so asexual. During some of my teenage years it was definitely something I cared about more, but in retrospect I feel that largely had to do with being in a long distance relationship where you only see your significant other every week or two, as well as internalizing very, very deeply that to be in a normal relationship you must desire sex with your partner. I am a very romantic person, and I think when I was younger I couldn’t separate romantic feelings from sexuality because I had never heard of them being separate. But something that has remained consistent for as long as I have lived is never actually feeling “sexy.” It’s not a negative at all, it’s just not something I experience.
You know how some people just look like they completely own their sexuality?
Wonderful when you do it Hyuna, but not for me
In stark contrast to the gif above, I pretty much always feel more like this:
From Hyperbole and a Half
Now I know not everyone would consider the gif above “sexy,” but hear me out. There’s a certain ownership of your sexuality that applies much more broadly to different types of “sexiness.” A sultry pose, the position of one’s hands on their hips, the expression one makes with their face, a way of speaking, even just the confidence that you are indeed a “sexy” person. None of that has ever felt comfortable to me. You know those wonderful “selfies” that a lot of teens take that play up their sexuality? Whether it be a rippling abs shot, or some “come hither” eyes with a hint of cleavage? When I was a teen, I was witness to one of those photo shoots when hanging out with a couple of friends, and of course they wanted me to join in the “fun.” Let me just tell you it was WEIRD. I don’t say this to pass judgement, I say this with the intention of conveying how little my body understands being “sensual.” Thankfully none of the shots featuring moi were kept, partly due to the fact that they were all terrible and stiff, because I resisted participating.
A shot from a Love Claudette photo shoot. Lovely model, lovely bra, and lovely post, but imagining myself in that pose and still feeling comfortable is impossible
So what’s my relationship with notions of sexiness? Disconnect, essentially. I think this might be why I relate so strongly to cute anime like K-on where sexiness by the conventional definition isn’t really a factor.
Mugi from K-on
This isn’t to suggest that I don’t enjoy things that are “sexy.” Some of you who follow my facebook page may notice that I post Korean pop videos from time to time, sometimes filled with fairly conventional ideas of sexiness. I honestly adore them. I’ve enjoyed love scenes in books and films. Even though I consider myself largely asexual, I do still FEEL the same things most of you do when you see or read something sexy, I just do not feel like acting on those feelings (and I would assume I feel them less strongly). While I may be able to appreciate the beauty in a well created love scene, the thought of participating in that scene is viscerally negative.
To conclude, I simply cannot relate to notions of sexuality/sensuality in the conventional sense. The smallest sexy pose is lost on me, and to replicate it would mean certain discomfort. I don’t really experience feeling “sensual” or sexual desire, but that’s not to say that I don’t find things attractive.
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I wonder if any of you can relate? What’s your relationship to notions of “sexiness?”
Til’ my next post,
Byyyyyeeee
-Windie
HI! A great post, alhough the subject confuses me. I’m in a relationship with someone you could have written this about, and I’m sexually very… needing, I need sex and sexuality and sensuality of myself and hers too, and there’s only ripples left of mine, being stabbed with rejections too many times… Had I only seen behind the curtain before falling in love with someone who can’t fulfill my needs… 😦
It’s unfortunate when sexual habits don’t match up between partners, I’m sorry you’re in that situation 😦
I’m sorry about that too, it took me over ten years to lower my own level of sexual energy to match hers, and not only to realize but also to accept that she just doesn’t want that much. Or then it came with age, or being constantly exhausted by depression or too much work. Or becoming a parent. Having a beautiful, amazingly clever and constantly developing little baby girl that gives so much joy and brings so great a responsibility gave new meaning to life, dropping sexuality from it’s No.1 position…
Back to the subject, I myself felt sexy last time about twelve years ago when I was around sixteen or at least desireable, without any confidence though, but as of now I occasionally flirt with women just to know if I’ve gotten as bad as I feel or would there ne any hope for me… Not that I’d be looking for someone else, not at all, I just need a human mirror to helle how/what to feel or think…
…although when flirting with people I’m sad and aware of the fact that they don’t see the less attractive sides of me. And happy at the same time. (Sorry ’bout the typos).
Which in fact has made me realize that in modern world people seem to give too much value to those surfacial things as looks and outer sexiness created by makeup, clothes, working hard at gym or by surgery, forgetting what I find valuable: what’s on the Inside and how you feel!
I’ve really struggled to understand asexuality in the past, this and your other post on it are brilliant.
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This is off-topic, but where do all these themes come from? You mentioned in this post that more bloggers will cover this subject, and I’m a blogger too so I feel a bit lost xD Why don’t I know about this? Is there a certain webpage where you all discuss and come up with a certain theme or can a blogger just come up with it? Ahhh, I’m so confused! x)
Great post Windie. I love reading about different attitudes, perspectives and feelings about sexuality, since sexuality itself really interests me. I identify quite a bit with what you wrote, especially about feeling fake and not at all sexy in “sexy” poses, but I think mine has a lot to do with my faith. Hopefully I’ll get around to my post so I can explore it!
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I loved how you were courageous enough to talk about being asexual. So many people associate stigmas with asexual or do not understand it, and I think posts like this really raise awareness. With regard to sexy poses, I think women need to find the ones that work for them because I know that I, personally, would never feel sexy in some of the pictures I have seen. Excellent entry in the series! 🙂
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