What “Sexy” Means To Me

Hi Friends.



Today on the ol’ blog, we’re discussing what sexy, sexiness, or sexuality means to me.

The short answer is not a whole lot.

Now for the long answer!

I’ve written before about how on the spectrum of sexuality, I consider myself quite asexual. If I were to rate myself out of one-hundred, zero being completely asexual and one-hundred being a sexual addiction, I’d probably put myself at about an eight.

I didn’t always consider myself quite so asexual. During some of my teenage years it was definitely something I cared about more, but in retrospect I feel that largely had to do with being in a long distance relationship where you only see your significant other every week or two, as well as internalizing very, very deeply that to be in a normal relationship you must desire sex with your partner. I am a very romantic person, and I think when I was younger I couldn’t separate romantic feelings from sexuality because I had never heard of them being separate. But something that has remained consistent for as long as I have lived is never actually feeling “sexy.” It’s not a negative at all, it’s just not something I experience.

You know how some people just look like they completely own their sexuality?

Wonderful when you do it Hyuna, but not for me

Wonderful when you do it Hyuna, but not for me

In stark contrast to the gif above, I pretty much always feel more like this:

Now I know not everyone would consider the gif above “sexy,” but hear me out. There’s a certain ownership of your sexuality that applies much more broadly to different types of “sexiness.” A sultry pose, the position of one’s hands on their hips, the expression one makes with their face, a way of speaking, even just the confidence that you are indeed a “sexy” person. None of that has ever felt comfortable to me. You know those wonderful “selfies” that a lot of teens take that play up their sexuality? Whether it be a rippling abs shot, or some “come hither” eyes with a hint of cleavage?  When I was a teen, I was witness to one of those photo shoots when hanging out with a couple of friends, and of course they wanted me to join in the “fun.” Let me just tell you it was WEIRD. I don’t say this to pass judgement, I say this with the intention of conveying how little my body understands being “sensual.” Thankfully none of the shots featuring moi were kept, partly due to the fact that they were all terrible and stiff, because I resisted participating.

A shot from a Love Claudette photo shoot. Lovely model, lovely bra, but imagining myself in that pose and still feeling comfortable is impossible

A shot from a Love Claudette photo shoot. Lovely model, lovely bra, and lovely post, but imagining myself in that pose and still feeling comfortable is impossible

So what’s my relationship with notions of sexiness? Disconnect, essentially. I think this might be why I relate so strongly to cute anime like K-on where sexiness by the conventional definition isn’t really a factor.

Mugi from K-on

Mugi from K-on

This isn’t to suggest that I don’t enjoy things that are “sexy.” Some of you who follow my facebook page may notice that I post Korean pop videos from time to time, sometimes filled with fairly conventional ideas of sexiness. I honestly adore them. I’ve enjoyed love scenes in books and films. Even though I consider myself largely asexual, I do still FEEL the same things most of you do when you see or read something sexy, I just do not feel like acting on those feelings (and I would assume I feel them less strongly). While I may be able to appreciate the beauty in a well created love scene, the thought of participating in that scene is viscerally negative.

To conclude, I simply cannot relate to notions of sexuality/sensuality in the conventional sense. The smallest sexy pose is lost on me, and to replicate it would mean certain discomfort. I don’t really experience feeling “sensual” or sexual desire, but that’s not to say that I don’t find things attractive.

I wonder if any of you can relate? What’s your relationship to notions of “sexiness?”

Til’ my next post,