How Bra Fitting Helped One Asexual Girl Accept Herself
From time to time, I try to convince myself that I am not asexual, and the result is always the same: depression and feelings of inadequacy. These attempts are fuelled by many things- the disbelief of a friend when I reveal my orientation, feeling infinitely out of place when friends discuss their sexuality, and sometimes for reasons I am unable to place.
I used to consider it a relationship problem- not desiring sex, but the problem was only the pressure I would place on myself (and partner) in thinking it was something I needed to desire to be a fully functional person, and a necessity in a healthy relationship.
But when I manage to forget those pressures and live according to what comes naturally, I am happy, and so is my partner.
We laugh more, we function better, and we feel at home.
Trying to look sexy, or thinking I want sex, is essentially like wearing a costume- and it’s not a costume I wear well. The pressure to be a sexual person is so deeply ingrained that even I, someone lucky enough to be with a similarly asexual partner, will put herself through the pain of wearing that costume that does not fit simply to feel normal. But I think I’m done with that now, I’m more confident in who I am.
Asexuality has affected more than my literal sex life, it informed the relationship that I have with my body. Particularly, it had a lot to do with the once rocky, but now steady, relationship I’ve formed with my breasts.
The deeply entrenched sexualization of breasts complicated my relationship with my body. How does one who does not see herself sexually- nor wants to be seen sexually- reconcile constantly carrying around a body part that is seen as such? Well, quite difficulty, which is why I grew up trying to deny the existence of my breasts. Bra fitting helped open up the discussion of what my body, and specifically my breasts, meant to me. Furthermore, it meant having control over something that previously seemed to control me. Having control over how my breasts are viewed by others through the magic of bras did a 180 for my self esteem. Being able to speak about them technically, in terms of numbers, sizes and garments in a desexualized context, enabled me to remove the implication that breasts are inherently about sex.
Bra fitting essentially saved my relationship with my body. A few years ago the concept of actually enjoying dressing my breasts would have been ridiculous, but now it is just ridiculously empowering. I’m done convincing myself that I’m not asexual. I am, and educating myself about bra fit helped me accept that.
I’m glad it helped you.
I tend to struggle with the opposite,I get so much pressure to not be sexual and it’s a big part of me in important ways and it’s not a shallow thing at all.I think there’s absolutely nothing wrong with someone being asexual either,as long as someone doesn’t try to tell me I shouldn’t find sex important cause they don’t…
It seems like no matter what your sexuality is,it can be hard to realize all different kinds are fine and it’s ok to be whatever you are.
I am the same!
Though I have never thought of breasts as sexualized since my mom breastfed all her kids, I struggled with my own asexuality (I identify as somewhere between romantic asexual and demi-sexual). It was only after you posted about it that something started to click. It was a relief to know that I wasn’t alone in my thought patterns, that it’s ok to not really be interested in the physical side of relationships. Thank you, Windie, for being that first step.
I’m so glad this post could be at all helpful 🙂 Keep taking more steps! You can do it!
Although not asexual, I had the same sort of issues with being deeply uncomfortable with my breasts being viewed sexually. And getting into the proper fitting world helped for similar reasons. I guess this comment doesn’t have much of a point, except that it’s cool that someone else felt the same way.
I’m glad you could relate Katy!
I really enjoyed reading your blog. I love the bras especially the third one.
This was an amazing post. It’s 6:45 am and I should be getting ready for work, and instead I couldn’t stop reading. I’ve known for a while that asexual people existed, but I had no idea how it felt and essentially – what it meant for the person. I found a documentary on iTunes that I was meaning to watch but never got round to it… Your post helped me this to understand asexual people this little bit more. I think what you’re doing is incredibly important, for yourself, for others asexual people, for sexual people who want to understand. Thank you! Hugs, Maja
Wow, thank you so much for the kind words! I am genuinely touched 🙂 I’m thrilled that this was a a useful resource for you and helped you understand our feelings just a bit more.
I am a genderqueer person and brafitting similarly helped me to accept my breasts and feel good about them. Before, they were just horrible strange things stuck on the front of my chest. Now I really related to them, in a way I never did before.
I’m really glad you’ve found this acceptance of yourself and thank you for sharing this story!
I’m an asexual nonbinary afab person. I never liked my body and I never knew you had one of these issues yourself. I highly recommend checking out reddit subs on asexuality if your so inclined. You can always use an alt account from any you might already have on reddit. Just an fyi I bought from you in the past. Found this post because of your I’m not blogging anymore.